


This Is Me Pretending This Is All I Need

by revenblue



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Angst, Christmas, Christmas Angst, Gen, POV Second Person, Self-Esteem Issues, mentions of his crush on Perry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-24
Updated: 2017-12-24
Packaged: 2019-02-19 14:50:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13125960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/revenblue/pseuds/revenblue
Summary: You weren't expecting him to show up.





	This Is Me Pretending This Is All I Need

**Author's Note:**

> Merry Christmas, have some angst.  
>  ~~It's Christmas already in Australia, don't question me.~~

You weren't expecting him to show up. That's what you tell yourself, when he completely fails to show up. It's not like it was _important_. ~~It's not like _you_ were important.~~ You're fine right here, with your slowly-cooling mug of borovan and Norm locked away in the closet to recharge.

Besides, it wouldn't be your first Christmas alone. You're used to it.

Another minute ticks past and you tear your eyes from the clock for what feels like the hundredth time today. He's not coming. You're alone and he's not coming.

It shouldn't hurt this much, that Perry the Platypus didn't bother, but you'd _hoped_. In hindsight, that was your first mistake. Getting your hopes up was always a mistake. And you keep doing it, that's the worst part, you always set yourself up for failure.

You wrap your fingers around the handle of your mug, again for what feels like the hundredth time. And yet it feels hopeless. Why are you doing this, any of this? Why didn't you give up years ago, when you were ~~ahead~~ less behind? You could have settled by now, found something _comfortable_ , but no, you just had to fall for the one guy who'll never be interested.

And you stick around because... why? Just in case one day he changes his mind? Or are you so desperate for his attention ~~or any attention at all~~ that you'll do _anything_ to be around him?

Pathetic. You're pathetic.

The second mistake, you think, was trusting Monobrow to pass on your apology. Why would he bother? After all, you're _Evil_. Well, not any more, but you may as well be. At least in OWCA's eyes. They still don't trust you, and why would they?

No, you should have insisted on telling him yourself. Let him reject you _in person_ so you could beat it into your head like you should have done years ago.

You tighten your grip on the mug so your hands don't shake, focusing only on your breathing. In, out. In, out. Your chest aches with it, like your ribs are suddenly a size too small, but you're _fine_ , you'll cope. You've been through worse.

Besides, it's not like you _need_ Perry the Platypus to show up and give your life meaning. You were doing just fine before he showed up.

~~You were doing just fine before you fucked up.~~

Now he's gone and it's your fault. He's _gone_ and you're alone, like you were always supposed to be. Why did you bother telling yourself it could ever be different?

Every time you get your hopes up, something goes wrong and ruins it. And it's your fault, every single time, because you're a worthless schnitzel who can do nothing right and mostly just make things worse. No wonder Perry the Platypus left.

Why did you have to tell him, huh? Why did you have to say your parents had thrown away the gift you gave them. ~~It was an accident, right?~~

That was your third mistake. He'd looked at you with those big sad eyes and you'd hated it, you'd told him you hated _him_ and wanted nothing to do with him and that he should _leave_ , and then he'd _left_. And you'd stood there, watching him leave, unable to do anything about it because _you'd wanted it_.

You'd said so, anyway, and how was he supposed to know you didn't mean it?

The worst part is, you can't even blame him for it. It's not _his_ fault you destroy everything you love, whether you want to or not. It's your fault, it's always your fault, and you hate yourself for it.

After all, no one else deserves to be hated for your failures. Just you.

~~In a way, you're glad he's gone. You'd only drag him down with you, and no one deserves _that_.~~

You lift the mug to take a sip, because there's no point in _wasting_ it, honestly, why would you make it if you weren't going to _drink_ it, and your clumsy hands drop it so it shatters on the floor. "Nice," you mutter, scowling at the mess. But really, what did you expect? You're a failure at everything else, why not this too. If only it could be a surprise.

And it just had to be your 'best nemesis' mug from Perry the Platypus, too, like you hadn't lost enough already. He's being stripped out of your life, piece by piece, and it's all because of _you_ and your _failures_. You never deserved him anyway.

So if this is punishment for _daring_ to think you stood a chance of keeping him in your life, you can't say you didn't earn it. After all, it's only what you deserve for your _greed_.

It always ends this way. You start to relax around someone, let yourself think maybe you _won't_ be alone forever, then they leave.

Really, you should just stop trying. Accept solitude as your due. It'll hurt less that way. ~~Less people to disappoint that way.~~ How far has trying ever got you, anyway? It just leaves you lonelier than before, when they come to their senses and _leave_ , abandoning you in the dust where you belong.

You lean against the wall and let yourself slide to the floor, eyes drifting back to the clock yet again. And the mistletoe hanging under it. You'd hung it up in the hopes that maybe...

But it doesn't matter now. He's not coming. And you're fine with that, you're done with trying to impress him, you're done with _hoping_.

It's better this way. That's what you'll tell yourself, when you feel yourself start to falter. If you don't _care_ , you can't be disappointed, and if you're not disappointed then it's not a problem. Not for you, not for anyone else.

The loneliness is ~~almost~~ comforting by now in its familiarity. Solitude, really. It's not like you _need_ anyone else, after all. You're _just fine_ here, all by yourself, spending Christmas with you and you alone. You'd make a toast but, well, you don't feel like getting out another cup.

Not that it matters. Who's here to judge you? No one. Certainly not Perry the Platypus, who couldn't be bothered showing up. Thinks he's too good for you, does he? Well, you don't need him. And _he's_ not getting an apology.

Or a present. You'd bought a cute little vase for him, but it would look _so much better_ on your kitchen table. You should get it out now. In fact, you _will_.

You'll have the best Christmas _ever_ , and no one else is invited. Especially not annoying little platypuses who don't even have the decency to let you know they're not coming.

~~It's all you deserve.~~

**Author's Note:**

> Title comes from [My December](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cI59cpkFxPo) by Linkin Park.
> 
> This was, unintentionally, version 4 of "winterfic", a vague idea based on the song. Versions 1 and 2 were abandoned, version 3 was too uplifting and became Into Winter Now, Bittersweet. _This_ was originally unrelated but I realised I could retool it and so I did.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [And In Spite Of All I Should Have Done](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13154682) by [revenblue](https://archiveofourown.org/users/revenblue/pseuds/revenblue)
  * [This is Me Telling Him I’m Not Going Anywhere](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13157934) by [MadameHappy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadameHappy/pseuds/MadameHappy)




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